Egyptians have had enough of Mubarak's Bull*shit

People put up with bullshit for just so long. For thirty years Mubarak and his family and friends have been shoveling shit all over the remaining 78 million Egyptians. Inspired by the recent uprising in Tunisia that drove out their dictator, tens of thousands of Egyptians are starting to shovel a little shit back Mubarak's way. In the wake of the protest Papa Mubarak decided to foot the bill for a vacation to London for baby boy Mubarak, his heir apparent, and his family . . . . BULLSHIT . . . they're running scared.

People do have power when they're finally fed up with the bullshit.

Wall Street . . . have you seen this?

Magical Thinking: The Sin Qua Non of the Bullshitee

Let’s face it, besides losing our fur coat and the beetle-brow thing, we haven’t changed much in the last 500,000 years, when we became a distinct species and did a number on our dimwitted, trailer trash cousins, the Neanderthals. This is especially true for that thing in our noggin that looks, for all the world, like a three-pound bullflop. To stretch the point only slightly, we’re now essentially cavemen with computers . . .speaking of which, my computer’s proofreader just warned me that, “cavemen” is a gender-specific expression and I should consider using “cave dwellers” . . .oh, for shit sake . . . 

Evolution rarely discards anything that still serves a purpose . . .unlike a certain species I could mention. Just so, the human brain is three brains in one . . .a triune . . .no bullshit, that’s what it’s called, a triune brain. First there’s the ancient reptilian brain that keeps the heart and lungs pumping and decides when it’s time either kick ass or beat feet. Capping that like a bicycle helmet is the mammalian brain which is responsible for the emotional inclination to keep young at the teet until they start leaving teeth marks or otherwise pissing mom off, as well as the emotional wherewithal to kick them the fuck out of the den. 

Keep in mind that reptiles have been around for 300 million years and mammals for 200 million. That’s a long time for brains to develop certain hard-wired habits . . .certain modus operandi. . .to become downright anal. Frugal evolution took these ancient brains and varnished them with a thin veneer of neocortex which is the seat of human perception, abstraction, language, and planning . . .all the necessary ingredients for you-know-what. Let me be blunt. This “Johnny-come-lately” is the brain’s colon and is responsible for producing . . . well . . .BULLSHIT.

Okay, here’s the rub. Combine the ancient instincts and emotions we share with . . .say . . .iguanas and wallabies . . .with our relatively recent knack for creating abstractions out of perceptions and you’ve got the makings of magical thinking . . .combine that with the ability to blather ad nauseum and you’ve got . . . well . . . BULLSHIT.

To be fair, cave dwellers can’t be held to the same level of sagacity as those of us who are frequently corrected by our computers. They had no experience with which to compare or judge a new phenomenon . . .they called it as they saw it, and made shit up. They heard thunder and saw lightening set fire to a dead tree . . .their only explanation was that an almighty thunder god had bestowed upon them the gift of light and warmth and a way to barbecue mastodon ribs . . .which fortunately lead to a taste for fermented hops, since no guy can barbecue without a cold one. This was magical thinking in its incipient stage and the etymological origin of the axiom, “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.” Magical thinking was out of the gate and running and hasn’t stopped or even slowed down since the thunder god thing.

However, for the last several hundred years we’ve not needed thunder gods . . .or any gods . . . to explain the previously unexplainable. We’ve had the scientific method. Try explaining the wireless computer resting on your lap with magical thinking . . .doesn’t work . . .can’t do it. If you appreciate the computer as the creation of a human mind then, by default, you accept the supremacy of rational thought over magical thinking . . .at least one would think, however . . . fifty-one percent of Americans believe some god poofed the world into existence fully formed sometime between 5,700 and 10,000 years ago . . .roughly the same percentage thinks Fox News is the most trusted news source in America. Magical thinking is believing that which is patently not so . . .and we turn these folks loose with a computer . . .and they vote?  Holy Shit!

We want to believe the patently “not so” because we’re stuck with a cave dweller’s brain, because it’s easier to believe than to figure out why we shouldn’t, and because it’s addictive. Magical thinking sets loose endorphins in the brain . . .opiates . . .brain sugar, if you will. . .that make us feel damn giddy. It turns us into junkies, ever on the prowl for our next fix of “magic dust” (which I just learned from a Google search is great on barbecued steaks . . .no bullshit).

Consider the following magical thoughts: gods exist . . .gods are good (well, mine is, yours really sucks) . . .gods give a shit . . . gods bless countries . . .gods take sides . . .gods have a special plan for you . . . gods can be persuaded to change their plans . . . gods are comforting, when they’re not fucking with you. . .gods are Monday night football fans with attitude. . .“If I should die” . . .my dead grandma can see everything I do to myself in the bathroom. . .“liberty and justice for all”. . .Americans are the good guys . . .politicians are servants of the people . . . corporations are legally people. . .the media has a liberal bias . . . crystals focus cosmic energy into my chakra, trees and stones give advice if you open your mind to the possibility . . . hormone-pumped adolescent primates can “just say no” . . .other people think my kid and my dog are as cute as I do . . .the world is going to end in 2012 (65,000 YouTube clips are warning of the impending end & 160,000,000 Google hits mention it) . . .You get the idea. 

Now let’s take the notion of magical thinking to an absurd, though nonetheless true, extreme . . .magical thinking-within-magical thinking-decrying-magical thinking. Picture it this way: two full-length mirrors facing each other reflecting what’s in between back-and-forth into infinity.

Heard of the Rapture? If you’ve never dabbled in fundamentalist Christianity you might not have. Anyway, it’s the bullshit notion that sometime soon. . .it’s always going to be soon, keeps people on their toes . . . god is going to swoosh the true believers up to heaven and leave the rest of us here to deal with the antichrist and his minions for the next seven years of tribulation . . .after which Jesus will come back and swoosh up those folks who broke under the strain and sold their souls. Those of us still resisting the fundamentalist bullshit will be condemned to the unspeakable horrors of the nether world . . .”oh my, lions and tigers and bears, oh my.”  Did you by chance count the number of magical thoughts in that paragraph?

When the rapture occurs, the school bus driver or the airline pilot might be the only “rapture-ready” Christians on board their respective conveyance. These two raptured believers will be lifted bodily out of their seats and swooshed up to heaven, leaving their vehicles unattended. What about the children on the bus or the passengers on the plane? For the sake of two souls, their god has murdered a shit load of kids and adults. I believe in the post-Bush years we refer to such a godly act as TERRORISM.

Anyway . . .and I’m not bullshitting. . .there is a web site called, “Rapture Ready.” It’s not a parody . . .not a spoof. These folks are serious(ly deluded). The site contains Rapture Ready news and photographs and letters written by rapture-hopefuls for their loved ones left behind. The site also maintains the “rapture index” (like the nuclear Doomsday Clock) which monitor’s world events and assigns a number indicating how soon the Rapture can be expected to occur. The index now stands at 172. What does this number mean? Fuck if I know, but a rapture index over 160 means, “Fasten your seat belts.” Seriously, I’m not making this shit up . . .and these people are breeding . . .like fruit flies in an Erlenmeyer flask.

Now to the mirror metaphor thing. There’s an article on this site titled, “Magical Thinking” by Todd Strandberg. Todd has “come to realize that magical thinking is one of the most common causes of erroneous beliefs” . . . So far I’m with you, Todd. He goes on to say, “It is the ability to draw conclusions that are based on a person’s desire for what really should be, not necessarily upon what reality actually is. People simply believe things that have no connection to logical thinking.” Ride on Todd!  (Keep in mind that our rational sounding rapture-ready friend believes in the literal interruption of the Bible, creationism, and that he’s going to be swooshed up to heaven sometime soon.)

The article goes on . . .blah . . .blah . . .blah . . .until Todd’s second-to-last subheading, “God Does Not Use Magical Thinking.” Friends, I’m not going to insult your intelligence by pointing out the self-delusion and irony of this phrase. He goes on to say, “God does not have a personal fairy godmother to grant His wishes. When the Almighty desires to perform what we call a supernatural act, He has to fulfill it himself . . . Faith is not a special power unto itself. It is simply an asterisk that says, ‘I don’t know how God did it.’ When believers arrive in heaven, the Lord will reveal all mysteries, and there will be no more “magic.”  This from the guy who, at the beginning, gave such a rational definition of magical thinking. I wonder when in the writing of the article he rerouted the neural impulses from the rational to the completely fucked up. How can two such antagonist clusters of synapses survive in the same brain . . .like matter and antimatter they should annihilate each other? A miracle, I suppose.

The real kicker comes near the end. His last subheading is entitled, “Christians Should Not Use Magical Thinking.” WHAT? Look Todd, if these rapture-ready nut jobs didn’t wallow in magical thoughts their every waking moment there wouldn’t be any dumb ass bullshit about being swooshed into heaven buck naked and leaving everyone else to suffer horribly. 

Whoa! Think what a great world it would be if in the next second all the fundamentalist nut jobs disappeared. (For more on this, see my article: “The rapture can’t happen soon enough to suit me.”)

We’ll not say goodbye to Todd just yet. In his last paragraph he reveals the source of magical thinking and admonished his reader to be vigilant lest they lose their ticket on the swoosh express, “Christians need to be mindful that there is a devil who actively seeks to mislead people. With the Bible being the only source of truth, it is foolhardy for people to think they can use their own judgement to separate right from wrong.” Reflection within a reflection ad infinitum ad nauseum . . . 

Thinking like Todd and his rapture-ready pals . . .though, admittedly, theirs is on the extreme end of the spectrum . . .is the sine qua non of the bullshitee . . .as in all of us from time to time. . . some more often than others. Bullshit began with the thunder god and is now ubiquitous in our personal, social, economic, and political lives. It can be benign, helpful, hurtful, self-serving, self-delusional, self-destructive, disastrous.It has the power to lead us Toward Our Deserved Demise if we fail to begin thinking objectively about the workings of our cave dweller’s triune brain . . .our three-pound bullflop.

Triumph of Bullshit - T.S. Eliot

The Triumph of Bullshit  -T. S. Eloit

Ladies, on whom my attentions have waited

If you consider my merits are small

Etiolated, alembicated,

Orotund, tasteless, fantastical,

Monotonous, crotchety, constipated,

Impotent galamatias

Affected, possibly imitated,

For Christ's sake stick it up your ass.

Ladies, who find my intentions ridiculous

Awkward insipid and horribly gauche

Pompous, pretentious, ineptly meticulous

Dull as the heart of an unbaked brioche

Floundering versicles feebly versiculous

Often attenuate, frequently crass

Attempts at emotions that turn isiculous,

For Christ's sake stick it up your ass.

Ladies who think me unduly vociferous

Amiable cabotin making a noise

That people may cry out "this stuff is too stiff for us" -

Ingenuous child with a box of new toys

Toy lions carnivorous, cannons fumiferous

Engines vaporous - all this will pass;

Quite innocent - "he only wants to make shiver us."

For Christ's sake stick it up your ass.

And when thyself with silver foot shalt pass

Among the Theories scattered on the grass

Take up my good intentions with the rest

And then for Christ's sake stick them up your ass.

Homo SAPiens' Cock Tail

 There’s no reason for the peacock’s five-foot-long tail other than to get him laid . . .the cock with the biggest tail gets the most hen “tail.” Somewhere inside the peahen’s pea-sized brain a jumble of connected synapses fires at the sight of a well-hung cock. She gets all gooey with love juices and bam, he’s scored. That’s really all evolution is about . . .the bam. It doesn’t matter that the cock expends an enormous amount of energy maintaining this otherwise dangerous adaptation . . .in the peacock’s small brain, bigger is always better. Keep in mind that there’s not much room in this small brain for larger ruminations. Predictably, it can’t occur to a cock that if his tail is longer than the longest it could get him eaten before it gets him laid. Such is the indifference . . .nay, the stupidity . . .of the cock’s sexual “arms race.” Human cocks, when in control of the situation, can be just as indifferent to reason.

Homo sapiens most defining evolutionary adaptation, other than the opposable thumb, is our large brain . . .probably the largest brain-body ratio in the animal kingdom. Well, certain cetaceans have a larger brain-body ratio than we do . . . fortunately, they don’t have opposable thumbs . . . that’s what really causes the mischief. Whales can hardly fabricate anything resembling a slingshot, let alone a nuclear bomb, with a pair of six-foot long flippers. If they could, they would . . . count on it.  That’s the problem with big brains . . . very clever . . . very bad ideas.  

Keep in mind that the human brain, as we now suffer it, has been two million years in the making. It has gone through a number of prototypes . . .some smaller & smarter. . .some larger & dumber (Neanderthal, for instance). Human brains remained fairly benign when all we could do was grunt and point. But when a coalition of synapses finally enabled us to turn grunts and gestures into communicable abstractions and infectious memes, the arms race was on. Again, the guy with the bigger-brained abstractions . . . the best BULLSHIT . . . got laid, . . . while his less-endowed sidekick gave him a foot rub hoping for a little “tail” by association.

In much the same way as a peahen’s preference exacerbated the cock tail thing, big-brained gals played a huge role in the “bullshit arms race.” Gals liked guys with big ideas, bullshit or not. Big ideas often meant big meals . . .which meant big kids with big brains who begot kids with ever expanding craniums. The only thing that saved us was the absolute girth of the gal’s pelvis. Otherwise we might have heads the size of pumpkins by now.  

The average weight of the human brain is now about three pounds. The average daily weight of a human turd . . .be it those dainty little marbles gals are so fond of . . .or the sequoia trunk felled by most guys . . .is just under a pound (though I’m sure I’m a standard deviation above the mean).  So, we shit at least a third of the weight of our brain each day. That’s not surprising in the least for a species that spends the greater part of each day bullshitting its conspecifics (a bullshit word for family, friends and coworkers). 

Do I even need to mention that we learn to bullshit before we learn to walk or talk . . .which we learn damn quickly, btw? Keep in mind that bullshit at its most basic level is about deceitfulness, disingenuousness and deception . . .and you don’t have to be able to talk to bullshit someone. New parents think its a riot to play peekaboo with Junior . . . “mommy gone” . . . “daddy gone” . . . “baby” gone . . . BULLSHIT . . .nobody’s gone anywhere, you just covered your eyes. Predictably, junior is a quick study (primate infants have to be, they’re too vulnerable otherwise) . . . He thinks, “out of sight out of mind.” As a wobbly toddler, Junior hides a ball behind his back . . . “ball gone gone!” . . . BULLSHIT, it’s behind your fucking back. Once Junior crosses the threshold from preverbal bullshit to loquacious bullshit, he’s got even more parental support . . .Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, guardian angel, heaven, hell, “You’ll put your eye out.” Bullshit in training, folks.  

As Junior matures his bullshit gets more sophisticated . . .more self-serving . . .remember, even “good” bullshit is self-serving . . .keeps you tight with your conspecifics. Think: “Gee Gloria, I love the new dress. The glitter really compliments the chartreuse” . . . BULLSHIT . . . “Ohhh John, it was good for me too!” . . .BULLSHIT . . . “No, of course I’m not mad” . . .BULLSHIT

 . . . “Yeah, Yeah, sure, I love you . . .pant . . .pant.” BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!

Every hour of every day bullshit . . .of omission . . .of intention . . .of good . . .of bad . . .defines who we are as a species of social animals.  It is the glue that holds society together . . .it will also likely be the catalyst of our extinction. 

There is hope. Just as there’s a cluster of synapses in our big brains dedicated to bullshit, there’s another cluster dedicated to its detection. Here’s the rub. It’s easy to bullshit. It’s much harder to figure out who’s bullshitting us and why . . . Do I need to mention that most of us are not big-brain savvy . . .too much effort involved . . .too many lame, mindless distractions . . .like say, “SURVIVOR!!”  Keep in mind also that fifty percent of the population is below average intelligence (IQ of 98) . . .still more are a deviation or two below that. I’m not an elitist intellectual . . . For shit sake, I graduated in the bottom eighteenth percentile of my high school class . . .I do, however, recognize bullbutter when it’s oozing between my toes . . . I’m just sayin’  

Bullshit comes in many forms . . .shit for brains . . .brain farts . . .full of shit . . .mental constipation . . .diarrhea of the mouth . . .blow it out your ass.  If we could clean the poop tube periodically, we could flush the ass kabob into the sewer where it belongs instead of letting it lay around for others to step in.  

Otherwise people, Homo SAPiens are fucked.